Jordan, who just turned 11 months old is walking!!! And I’m so excited! He was taking about 4 steps the last couple of weeks, but today he took 8…and within an hour, he’s been walking across the room! And the thought that has been nagging me for the longest became very loud: my baby isn’t a baby anymore. And that makes me sad.
I’ve always wanted a large family. Always. I think mainly because I was almost like an only child. I have a brother who is 8 years older than me, so once he hit his wild abandon teen years, it was basically just me. I always wanted a sister. So I’ve always wanted more than 2 kids. When my husband and I had our first pregnancy scare early in our relationship, we had “the how many kids do we want” talk. We decided on 4 and a possible. Picked out the names. You know all the lovey dovey stuff that couples talk about before they’ve ever really been thru anything together. After we had our daughter by c-section, we knew we couldn’t just keep having babies. It had to be 3 pregnancies max. And then the talk of twins came in. What were we thinking? lol But after having Jordan, and having another unpleasant pregnancy, and no sleep for his first 9 months, and dealing with 2 kids…I started to question if a 3rd child was a reality that I could face. I love having a baby. I love they way they feel and sound and smell. But I do most of the child stuff by myself. I’m the one who gets up in the middle of the night. With both babies. And I nursed, so I never got a break in the beginning. And it’s hard getting people to watch more than one kid at a time.
It’s just hard for me to accept that he’s growing up. He’s trying to talk already. It’s hard for me to accept that I won’t feel a baby kicking inside of me ever again. It’s not so hard knowing I won’t be nursing again! lol I knew that if a 3rd came that wouldn’t be happening. It’s just that, I have to be realistic. We can’t afford another child. We just can’t. Diapers, clothes, daycare, it’s just not feasible. Our marriage definitely can’t survive a 3rd child. I can’t do this by myself again. I can’t spend another 2 years getting off baby weight. Because I’m not the “cute pregnant lady” I’m the lady who transforms into a whale when I’m carrying a baby. And frankly, the next surgery I want to have will be cosmetic, not to have a baby. They’ve done enough damage to my body as it is. And that will be my 30th birthday gift to myself: a breast lift, and if needed, a tummy tuck. Yep, the decision is already made, and 90% of me supports the decision. It’s the 10% that is yelling in my ear!
I mean, I try to look on the bright side. I won’t have to buy a minvan. I won’t have to experience the hell called pregnancy. My boobs won’t leak again. I don’t have to mess with bottles. I’ll be able to sleep thru the night. In just 4 short years we won’t have to ever pay for day care again. I mean, down the road when Jordan wants expensive sneakers and Brianna wants designer jeans, at least it wouldn’t be as bad as having another child wanting something. And I only have one girl’s hair to deal with, so that’s a blessing. I’m really trying to convince myself here…hell one of these days I’ll even be able to spend money on myself again! I can’t have Christian Louboutin shoes and a Chanel suit if I’m clothing and feeding 3 kids. I want my kids to have as much of what they want that we can get them.
So even tho I’m extremely sad right now, knowing that the days of baby making are over, I try to look at the silver lining that I will be able to give more attention to my children as they grow. They can participate in more extra curricular activites. And we can afford to let them. Sending them to college won’t be as bad as it would if we were sending more kids to college. We will only need a 3 bedroom house. If we want more bedrooms and can afford it, that’s great. But it’s harder when you need 4 bedrooms or more. And in the end, I will be able to get something that I’ve wanted since I moved to Germany at age 5…A DOG!!!! I’ve been wanting a dog forever. But when my mom, my brother and I moved overseas, we had to give our dogs away. And she would never let us get one again. And I always said when I am an adult I would get one. But when you have kids and have struggled the way we have the past few years, you can’t think of taking on another mouth to feed. And I wouldn’t want to take in a dog if I knew there was a possibility that we couldn’t keep it, because of lack of money. So I’m going to try to embrace Jordan’s wonderful milestone and know that he has many more ahead of him. And I’ll know that in another year, I’ll be asking myself “why the hell did we have kids?” Because I ask myself that at least once a day as it is! And besides, I’ve been a bad aunt since having my own kids. Now I can definitely do a bit more, and I will be a new auntie in the future for my husband’s sister one day…