There they go. One marble. Two marbles… I’m losing them.
I may have mentioned in a previous post that I’ve been having anxiety issues surrounding my decision to move to Charlotte. Well that anxiety has escalated to starting to have panic attacks.
I’ve had at least three panic attacks this week. Just thinking about them now makes my heart race a little faster. Over the past few weeks I’ve tried to do more workouts to help with stress and relax a bit more. Apparently it’s not working. So I’m not going to go into all of the details into each one of them, but after the third one, I decided it was time to call a doctor.
See, I am a minister’s-kid. So I’m used to the answer I would get if I asked my mom for advice for example. So when you’re having these kind of occurrences, telling me to go to God isn’t really helpful. As if that wasn’t at the top of the list. Idk, I guess, for me it was a no-brainer. Like I’ve tried what I know to do to stop feeling this way. But it’s unexplainable. I can explain what I think is the main cause, but I’ve never had this level of anxiety before, to the point of having uncontrollable, unpredictable episodes that I can’t escape. I mean, this is my mind I’m talking about. Now in my morning prayer, I’ve added that I have a sound mind. I’ve never really paid attention to that until now. I think the worst thing is to not be able to control your mind. My brain, that controls the rest of my body has a part of it that’s out of control. And that shit scares me. To be frank about it.
Today is Friday. If you follow me on twitter and facebook, then you know I posted something along the lines of me feeling extra bitchy last weekend and I couldn’t explain why. Monday I had one. Tuesday I had one. Wednesday I had one. That day I was given a Xanax. I needed it and it helped. Thursday I called and scheduled an appointment. I’ve felt a little better since making the appointment. So I’ve been taking it step by step so to speak. Tomorrow I’m going to the beach with my mom and the kids. Sunday is Mother’s Day and I’m not doing a damn thing. I told them {them being hubby and kids} that this is the first year that I really don’t have to be the one to do things. He can get up with them in the morning and let me be. I’m not being forced to go to church {for some reason my mom felt that need}. I don’t have a graduation to attend. I’m not being forced to take another mother out to dinner {which always involved me doing more work bc I had to take care of my babies, don’t even get me started…} I’m hoping that after this weekend I can be a little more relaxed and less on edge and can feel normal while I await this doctor appointment.
Although I have a calm about the decision to move to Charlotte…it seems that everything leading up to and surrounding it is becoming a difficult pill to swallow. But that’s my general view of it…I’m sure it goes much more deeper than that for it to cause these symptoms. I mean, when I stop and look around, everything right now is in a state of disarray. Not even including work, with all the stress that has been ongoing since March, but my couponing has become unorganized and a source of stress that not only is bad for that reason but also impacting my savings. I’m behind on household chores, being organized, it’s all just a mess right now. I just want to breathe and snap my fingers and have it all be done. I’ve asked for help {not even going to go there} and I don’t get it. I feel overwhelmed, overworked, underpaid, underappreciated, and to top it all off–my arm has been bothering me due to my workouts and trying to do it all 😐
I’m just typing, I’m not even sure if I’m making sense anymore. So it’s probably a good idea to stop. For someone going to the beach tomorrow, I should be doing something other than blogging. You may be thinking…isn’t that more stress? Only a little. Reason being is because I’m not driving. I’m driving to my mom’s but she’s doing the main driving so that right there takes away a ton of stress. And the kids act better when Gamma is on the scene! lol So that’s an added bonus! And I love love love the beach! I’m gonna take me a good book and just exhale.
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