The past week I’ve been off on bereavement. I’ve been absolutely unproductive.
Lazy. All day. E’er day.
Part of it was emotions. Most of it was having a pity party.
A week off from work and I waste it.
Or did I?
Maybe I needed it. Needed the break from work to just be with myself during regular business hours. Needed to be with my family for dinner. Needed to go to Bible Study. Needed not to travel to Philly. Needed the extra sleep.
I needed to be productive.
I’m not proud of myself.
This time to myself I’ve questioned what do I want? If everything that I have going in my life right now is because I brought it, then where the hell are the things I want? That’s where I’m at right now. Stalled out and wondering why. Wondering when are things going to turn around? When is the pendulum going to swing in the other direction? What do I need to do to make this happen? I’m in the having a temper tantrum stage. Not because I can’t have my way, but because it seems NOTHING is going my way. I know all things happen so that other things will happen…I get that, I’m just not GETTING that if you know what I mean.
So here I am, turning 32 not happy with the particular place I am in my life right now. There’s still this void. Still an emptiness. Unsatisfaction. On the upside, a lot of great things have happened, and I am working on focusing more on my gratitude, but the things I want the most…those things aren’t happening. I have made great breakthroughs in dealing with some of my limiting beliefs…and I suppose that’s the reason why I’m in this temper tantrum stage…because I feel like I’m making progress but wanting to see the rewards. Aha moment. I’ve had so many of them lately. I’m ready for more nudges.
While I’m waiting on those nudges, I figured I needed to do my part. That’s what I’m gathering from all of these aha moments anyway. With the help of a few blogs, a few sermons, and a few random confirming signs; I’ve decided that I need to make some real substantial changes in my life. If I am going to have the life I want, the life I truly want; if I want to become the woman that I see in my vision then I need to BECOME her.
So for starters, I’m writing out my life. In story form. Just for me to see, but it’s helpful for me to get direction and to be specific in what I want for myself. I am also, in my spiritual walk, being committed. I need to take the time out in the mornings to pray and meditate. I need to put myself first and work out because I’m letting myself go. I need to take care of my body and what I put in it. I need to read and study the Bible. I need to read more for myself in other books, spiritual books, self-help books, and books to learn new things. It’s time to dust off that library card. I need to step up my style. It’s time to mature. I need to write more, because it’s what I love to do.
Those are just starters. I’m done with the complaining about my life but not fully making the changes needed in order to cause a change. This is the time where I would usually give up. But I’m different now. There’s been a change in me that won’t allow me to stay the same. There’s a little voice, who has probably been yelling at me for years, who is finally being heard. I can’t hear everything she’s saying, but I can hear her saying to get up and do it. The 8 year old Aria had so many dreams and so much spirit and she was such a happy little girl. She possessed many of the qualities that the turning 32 year old Aria wishes she had. Somewhere along the line I allowed her dreams to be pushed back. I’ve allowed circumstances to knock her down and keep her down. But not anymore. Life is too short to keep wishing things were better. I have to make them better.
Here’s to turning 32.
Here’s to a year of more smiles and less tears.
Here’s to a year of great experiences and memories.
Here’s to a year of a happier and more fulfilled me.